Attending a kink or swinger party for the first time can be intimidating, but remember that there is a wide range of people and activities at these events. You don't have to participate in anything you're not comfortable with, and it's important to respect others' boundaries. Each event may have different rules and etiquette, so familiarize yourself in advance. Take the opportunity to learn from experienced individuals and enjoy the diverse and accepting community. Most importantly, have fun and stay safe!
As an experienced swinger, I have welcomed many newcomers and personally guided them through their first couple of events. It's very understandable to feel awkward or overwhelmed. This isn't your local Farmer's Market, you will have a lot of eyes looking at you, oh, and everyone's usually pretty naked. The main and most important piece of advice that will help you calm your nerves is 'After 5 minutes, your nervousness becomes a pleasure'.
You Will See All Kinds of People
I've been attending kink parties, or play parties, for more than a decade, so I've picked up a few pointers in that time. I've also hosted events and/or served as a crew member for a few parties. People who are attending their first kink party ever send me emails every time I'm crewing. You newcomers need guidance on how to act and what is expected of you.
This is something I can really relate to. It might be intimidating to enter a new environment, one that has its own culture and history. Because of this, I decided to compile a short primer on the essentials of kink culture that you should read before attending your first kink party.
Kink fans come in all shapes and sizes. People of all sexes, orientations, ages, races, and physical and mental capacities will be present and accounted for.
No one expects you to look like a supermodel (or like the characters in that scene from Eyes Wide Shut), and no respectable event will ever have you submit photos in advance or make decisions about your participation based on your appearance or other demographic characteristics. (There are gatherings that restrict the number of single males allowed to attend at once, but these are more typical of the swing culture than the kink culture.)
Connecting with Online Swingers
Many swinger dating sites have a feature that allows you to view local events on the site's calendar. For example, SDC (Swingers Dating Club) has a Party section that lists local meetups. Another site, Kasidie, calls this feature 'rendezvous' and has an expansive list of events and fun parties to attend. When swingers and swappers match on one of these sites, they get perks for meeting up at these hosted events. Read:The Hottest Swinger Dating Profile Guide
If you are currently a free member on a swinger dating site, you are probably not getting the best of luck, or at least you could have better luck. With a free profile, some platforms have a feature that allows you to become "verified" or earn a "certified badge" on your profile so that other members know you aren't a fake profile or a scam. That's a major win!
Several Forms of Play will be Seen
When it comes to BDSM, each faction has its own set of dos and don'ts. If you're not sure about something, just ask. You can become naked and have sex at some gatherings, but not at others (this is often a venue restriction or licensing issue.) Needle play, fire play, and consensual non-consent are all forms of risky play that certain communities approve of while others do not. Rope bondage, impact play, sensation play, Dominant/submissive dynamics, service, and so on are just some of the things you could witness.
Playing in a different dynamic than the one intended (say, Dominant women and submissive men) may be inappropriate for a certain occasion. Nonetheless, in most cases, players will employ a wide variety of tactics and formations.
You Should Not Feel Forced To Do Anything
During a kink party, you are under no obligation to play if you show up solo, with friends, or with a partner or partners. The best parties are the ones where no one is expecting anything specific from the guests. It's quite OK to quietly observe the action from a safe distance. It's OK whether you just want to hang out at the bar and have a few drinks, or if you want to spend the evening soaking in the hot tub or having a blast on the dance floor. If you're interested in playing, you're free to either contact other participants about potential scenes (or accept invites if they're extended to you) or stick to the group you arrived with.
You might be invited to play a game or take part in another event (such as being touched, watching a scene, receiving a service, having a drink, or playing a game.) Saying "no thank you" is perfectly acceptable; if you feel pressured, however, you should notify a Dungeon Monitor (DM), other staff member, or the event's organizer. No boundary pushing or harassment of any type is tolerated at respectable play parties.
It's Possible That Not Everything on Your To-Do List Will Happen
On the other hand, you may have preconceived notions about how a kink party should go and end up missing out on some of the fun.
Even if you pay to get in, it doesn't ensure you'll get to play, or that you'll get to play anything in particular. You and your date can establish arrangements, but keep in mind that they may need to be adjusted on the fly. If you go by yourself, you may or may not be able to find a friend to hang out with and play with. I've been performing on the kink scene for 14 years, but I still skip certain shows. This is a very common occurrence.
A Little Bit of Etiquette Goes a Long Way
Each kink gathering, as I've mentioned, has its own set of customs and protocols. Inquire in advance about any party rules that may be in effect. There are, however, universal norms of social conduct that you should study and apply at whatever gathering you attend. Among these are:
- Never interfere with another person's work without their explicit consent.
- When someone says "no," they mean "no," but they also mean "no" if they don't say "yes" in a very specific way.
- Never attribute a relationship where none exists (for example, by giving orders to a submissive or using honorifis for a Dominant without clear negotiation and consent.) Everyone, regardless of rank, ought to be treated with dignity and fairness.
- Never walk in on a scenario midway through. Both before and after a scene count as part of the scenario. Concerns about safety or lack of permission should be reported to a DM or the event's organizer. Keep in mind that there is always more going on behind the scenes than meets the eye, especially when dealing with frightening situations.
- Seeing scenes in process requires silence and discretion. Talk to one another in the common area. Avoiding the backswing of a flogger is a good idea since it can cause serious injury.
- Take no pictures or make no recordings unless given explicit permission to do so. During many events, you'll be required to leave your phone and other electronics in a locker or your vehicle. This is for the protection of everyone involved.
Take in All the Information You Can
There are kink parties that are part of a conference or seminar about kink. Some kink events provide introductions for newcomers, seminars, or speakers on various topics. Take advantage of any of these possibilities that may present themselves. One of the finest ways to develop as a kinkster is to listen to masters discuss their fields of expertise.
There's also the casual possibility of gaining knowledge via experience. As an example, you may learn from the experiences of more seasoned players by striking up conversations with them at the bar. And if you happen to observe someone engaging in an intriguing pastime or using a novel toy? Put the question to them! (Wait until they're done with their scenario, including any necessary takedown and aftercare.)
Most kinks identify as nerdy. We are nerdy and enthusiastic about our interests. If you approach someone with dignity and respect, most will be delighted to tell you all about their favorite pastime or tool.
Remember to express your appreciation for their help by saying "thank you." you might offer to buy them a drink as a gesture of gratitude.
Don't Jump to Conclusions
If kink is good for anything, it's that it never ceases to shock. We are a community that values its diversity and acceptance of others. Yet, we're all just human beings trying to make our way in the world, and that may lead to some uncontrolled assumptions. This past weekend, I went to an event with a buddy who presents as a man. Many believed we were a couple and, furthermore, that I was his submissive because of our physical similarities. On the other hand, whenever my girlfriends and I have attended social occasions together, we have always been assumed to be "just friends."
In general, it's best not to judge them by the company they keep or the roles they play in kink. More things exist in the universe than can be accounted for in your metaphysics.
Final Thoughts on Your First Swinger Event Guide
For your very first experience, it can be a little nerve wrecking. It won't take long for you to feel if the vibe is right for you. If you are at a legit swinger party, you will have no problem fitting in and everyone will make you feel welcome. It is an amazing community full of people who love to love! Just be safe, put boundaries in place, and let yourself enjoy some exciting new adventures.